WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senator Harold Whitman (R-KS) shocked his staff this week by revealing he has discovered “a vast network of interconnected computers” that apparently allows people to share information instantly across great distances.
“My grandson showed me this thing called ‘the worldwide web’ on his portable computer machine,” Whitman announced during a press conference held in front of a fax machine. “I had no idea such technology existed. We need immediate hearings to determine if this poses a threat to our traditional mail system.”
The discovery occurred when Whitman’s 16-year-old grandson visited his office and attempted to show him a viral video of a cat playing piano.
“At first I thought it was witchcraft,” Whitman told reporters. “But my staff assured me it was just technology. Apparently, people have been using this ‘internet’ to look at pictures of cats instead of reading newspapers. This explains so much about the decline of American values.”
Whitman has since spent three days exploring what he calls “the computer web” with the help of his legislative aide, 23-year-old Sarah Mitchell, who has been tasked with explaining basic internet concepts using only terms from 1975.
“I told him Twitter is like a telegraph system where everyone can send messages to everyone else simultaneously,” Mitchell explained while massaging her temples. “He asked if we needed to regulate it like we did the telegraph companies in 1878. I said probably not, but he’s already drafting legislation.”
The Senator has been particularly concerned about what he describes as “electronic mail” and its potential impact on the U.S. Postal Service.
“People are sending letters through the air without stamps,” Whitman said during a Fox News interview. “This could bankrupt our entire mail delivery system. What happens to all the mail trucks? What about the postal workers? Has anyone considered the economic implications of instant communication?”
Whitman’s office has received over 10,000 emails since he announced his discovery, though he has been unable to read any of them because he insists on having them printed out and delivered by his secretary.
“Each email costs us approximately $2.40 in printing and administrative costs,” said Chief of Staff Robert Martinez. “The Senator receives about 500 emails per hour asking him to ‘get with the times.’ We’re spending our entire office budget on printer ink.”
The Senator has announced plans to introduce the “Internet Oversight and Traditional Communication Protection Act,” which would require all emails to be delivered by postal workers and mandate that websites include a phone number for customer service.
“If people want to use this computer web, they should have to follow the same rules as telephone companies,” Whitman declared. “We need operators standing by to connect calls and ensure proper communication etiquette.”
Congressional colleagues have attempted to educate Whitman about modern technology, but efforts have been hampered by his insistence that all information be provided via handwritten memos.
“I tried to show him Google,” said Rep. Jennifer Adams (D-CA). “He asked if it was affiliated with the library system and whether he needed a card to check out search results. When I explained it was free, he became suspicious and asked if it was a communist plot.”
Whitman plans to conclude his internet investigation by hosting public hearings featuring expert witnesses including his grandson, a Geek Squad employee, and “someone who understands how computers talk to each other without using telephone wires.”