Federal Appeals Court Rules Against Trump Administration’s Emergency Tariff Powers
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump expressed genuine bewilderment Thursday after a federal appeals court ruled 7-4 that his sweeping tariffs violate the Constitution, sources report the commander-in-chief was “visibly confused” by the concept that emergency powers have limits. “I thought emergency powers meant I could do emergencies,” Trump said during an impromptu press conference held […]
Missouri Governor Calls Special Session for Mid-Decade Congressional Redistricting
JEFFERSON CITY, MO — Missouri Governor Mike Kehoe announced Friday that the state’s core values are fundamentally incompatible with allowing voters to choose their representatives, calling a special legislative session to redraw congressional districts in what he described as “ensuring our democracy truly reflects Missouri principles.” The emergency session, scheduled to begin September 3rd, will […]
Brands Rush to Capitalize on Taylor Swift Engagement with Immediate Marketing Campaigns
NEW YORK — The nation’s marketing departments expressed collective bewilderment this week after Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s engagement announcement failed to immediately mention which brands made their love possible, prompting an emergency corporate response to inject promotional content into what experts are calling “dangerously uncommercial human emotion.” Within hours of the engagement news breaking, […]
Social Media Star Madison Rivers Experiments with Authentic Experience-Based Content
LOS ANGELES – In a move that industry experts are calling “unprecedented,” lifestyle influencer Madison Rivers announced yesterday that she will begin creating social media content based on activities she has actually participated in, rather than products she has been paid to pretend to use. The radical shift came after Rivers accidentally enjoyed a meal […]
S&P 500 Index Considers New Fee Structure Amid Record Performance
NEW YORK – Following Thursday’s record-breaking close, the S&P 500 index announced it will begin charging investors a 2% “achievement fee” for the privilege of participating in its historic market performance. The unprecedented move comes after index representatives realized they had been providing market-beating returns without properly monetizing their success, a business model they described […]
CDC Acting Director Brings Unique Maritime Experience to Public Health Role
ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that its new acting director Jim O’Neill brings a wealth of experience to the role, having spent years developing ways for wealthy people to live completely outside the jurisdiction of agencies exactly like the one he now leads. O’Neill, who holds no medical degree […]
Nvidia Adjusts International Strategy Following New Federal Trade Requirements
SANTA CLARA, CA – In a groundbreaking move that industry analysts are calling “innovation at its finest,” semiconductor giant Nvidia announced yesterday that it has successfully pioneered a new business model based entirely on seeking federal approval before conducting any profitable activities. The strategy emerged after President Trump’s unusual trade arrangements required the company to […]
Illinois High School Removes Bathroom Doors in Anti-Vaping Initiative
OAK PARK, IL — Oak Park and River Forest High School administrators announced this week they have solved their student vaping problem through the groundbreaking strategy of removing bathroom doors, thereby ensuring that no student will ever again experience the dangerous luxury of privacy while using school restrooms. The innovative approach, which officials describe as […]