ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that its new acting director Jim O’Neill brings a wealth of experience to the role, having spent years developing ways for wealthy people to live completely outside the jurisdiction of agencies exactly like the one he now leads.
O’Neill, who holds no medical degree but does possess extensive knowledge of international waters and maritime law, expressed enthusiasm about his appointment during a press conference held aboard what appeared to be a small yacht docked outside CDC headquarters.
“I’m thrilled to bring my seasteading expertise to public health,” O’Neill said while adjusting a captain’s hat that sources confirm he has worn to every meeting since his appointment. “For years, I helped Peter Thiel figure out how to build floating cities where rich people could avoid government health regulations. Now I get to BE the government health regulations. It’s like coming full circle, but on land.”
The appointment comes after O’Neill’s predecessor Susan Monarez was removed for what Kennedy administration officials described as “an unhealthy obsession with scientific evidence” and “repeatedly asking what medical qualifications she should look for in staff.”
O’Neill’s background includes a stint as board member of the Seasteading Institute, where he advocated for floating libertarian utopias governed by market forces rather than pesky regulations like “drug safety testing” and “clinical trials.” In 2014, he proposed eliminating the FDA’s mandate to test drugs before market release, suggesting instead that Americans could serve as volunteer test subjects.
When asked how his floating island expertise translates to pandemic response, O’Neill grew animated.
“Think about it,” he said, gesturing toward an inflatable life raft he’s reportedly requisitioned as emergency office furniture. “Viruses are basically like water. Islands float on water. Therefore, proper health policy should also float. It’s simple maritime epidemiology.”
The appointment has been met with concern from traditional public health experts, most of whom have reportedly submitted their resignations via messages in bottles cast into the Potomac River.
O’Neill dismissed such criticism as “land-based thinking” and announced his first initiative: Project Sea-Disease-Control, which will explore whether major health crises can be solved by “just sailing away from them.”
When pressed about his lack of medical training, O’Neill remained confident: “Medicine is just another form of regulation. And I’ve spent my entire career helping people escape regulation. Now I get to help America escape the regulation of infectious disease.”