OAK PARK, IL — Oak Park and River Forest High School administrators announced this week they have solved their student vaping problem through the groundbreaking strategy of removing bathroom doors, thereby ensuring that no student will ever again experience the dangerous luxury of privacy while using school restrooms.
The innovative approach, which officials describe as “Crime Prevention Through Environmental Design” or “CPTED methodology,” represents what education experts are calling “the most sophisticated application of making teenagers uncomfortable while they poop that modern pedagogy has ever produced.”
“We realized that the real problem wasn’t vaping specifically,” explained Principal Dr. Sarah Johnson while standing next to a flip chart titled “Advanced Bathroom Surveillance Techniques.” “The problem was that students expected basic human dignity while performing bodily functions. Once we eliminated that expectation, the vaping problem solved itself.”
The school’s evidence-based approach involved what administrators call “strategic portal removal” — a fancy term for taking doors off hinges — from bathroom entrances throughout the building. Officials were quick to clarify that while they removed exterior doors, individual stall doors remain intact, creating what they describe as “airport-style bathroom accessibility with enhanced visibility protocols.”
“Think of it like TSA security, but for urination,” said Assistant Principal Mark Chen, gesturing toward a bathroom entrance that now resembles a subway tunnel. “We’re not eliminating privacy, we’re just making it conditional and slightly humiliating.”
The policy has faced resistance from students, including junior Laila Rosenthal, who started a petition that has gathered over 400 signatures from students who apparently don’t appreciate the innovative approach to bathroom management.
The petition has raised concerns about safety during lockdown scenarios, noting that students who can’t return to locked classrooms often seek refuge in bathrooms — which now lack the doors that might provide protection during emergencies.
The school’s CPTED methodology consultant, Dr. Bradley Morrison, defended the approach during a presentation titled “Architectural Solutions to Adolescent Deviance.”
When asked whether the same logic might be applied to other areas where students misbehave, Morrison grew enthusiastic about removing doors from classrooms to prevent cheating and eliminating walls from hallways to stop inappropriate conversations.
The implementation has not been without challenges, with many students expressing what the administration characterizes as “adjustment challenges to the new transparency protocols.”
Student reactions have varied, with many expressing concerns about basic privacy and emergency safety protocols during lockdown situations.
The school district has indicated that the door removal pilot program may be expanded to other facilities if results continue to show reduced bathroom-related incidents.