OSLO, NORWAY – In an unprecedented diplomatic crisis, Norwegian officials announced yesterday that they have inadvertently resolved all major domestic and international issues facing their nation, leaving parliament with nothing to argue about and threatening the very foundation of democratic government.
The crisis began when Norway’s final remaining social problem – insufficient bicycle parking in rural areas – was solved Tuesday morning with the completion of a comprehensive national cycling infrastructure project, leaving lawmakers without any pressing matters requiring political debate.
“This is completely uncharted territory,” explained Prime Minister Jonas Gahr Støre during an emergency press conference held in a notably peaceful and well-organized government building. “Our entire political system is predicated on having problems to solve. Without conflict, we’re not sure what politicians are supposed to do.”
Parliamentary sessions have reportedly devolved into awkward small talk about the weather, with opposition parties struggling to find anything to oppose and coalition governments facing the unprecedented challenge of complete policy agreement.
“We’ve tried manufacturing controversy over things like ‘Should public parks be slightly more green?’ and ‘Is our universal healthcare too efficient?'” noted Minister of Hypothetical Issues Erna Solberg, a newly created position. “But even these debates end in unanimous agreement within minutes.”
The situation has attracted international attention from political scientists studying what they’re calling “post-problem governance,” with delegations from other nations traveling to observe how democracy functions without systemic dysfunction.
Several neighboring countries have offered to share their unsolved problems with Norway, including Sweden’s ongoing debate about optimal meatball temperatures and Denmark’s persistent disagreement over bicycle lane width specifications.
The United Nations has tentatively classified Norway’s situation as either a “humanitarian success story” or “democratic emergency,” depending on how one defines effective government.