WASHINGTON, DC – In an unprecedented display of honesty that shocked economists worldwide, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell announced during yesterday’s emergency press conference that the central bank would like to formally request “someone who actually understands money” to help with monetary policy decisions.
The admission came after weeks of intense pressure from the Trump administration to simultaneously raise and lower interest rates while maintaining inflation at both 2% and 0%, depending on the day of the week.
“Look, we’ve been making educated guesses about the economy for over a century,” Powell explained while shuffling through what appeared to be a Magic 8-Ball instruction manual. “But recent policy demands have exceeded our expertise in pretending we know what interest rates should be.”
The Fed’s request for adult supervision specifically calls for “anyone who has successfully balanced a household budget” and “someone who can explain why printing more money sometimes makes money worth less, but sometimes doesn’t, and also why gold exists.”
Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen welcomed the announcement, noting that it aligned with her department’s recent policy of asking ChatGPT for economic advice. “At least they’re being honest,” she said. “We’ve been winging it for years.”
The news sent markets soaring, with investors expressing relief that monetary policy makers had finally acknowledged their confusion. “Honestly, it’s refreshing,” said Wall Street analyst Michael Torres. “I was getting tired of pretending their quarterly reports made sense.”
The Federal Reserve has reportedly received over 40,000 applications for adult supervision, including several from high school economics teachers, a surprisingly large number from elementary school math tutors, and one from a former GameStop manager who claims experience “dealing with economic volatility.”