In a shocking turn of events that no one could have possibly predicted, Apple demonstrates once again that their calendar management skills are purely accidental
Cupertino, CA – In what can only be described as an extraordinary coincidence that would make Swiss watchmakers weep with envy, Apple has officially declared three Mac models “obsolete” just nine days before their highly anticipated “Awe Dropping” September 9th event.
The timing is so perfectly accidental that industry experts are calling it “either the most incredible coincidence since lightning struck the same lottery winner twice, or Apple’s marketing department has achieved time manipulation.”
## The “Obsolete” Trio
The recently condemned electronic souls include:
– MacBook Air (11-inch, Early 2015)
– MacBook Pro (13-inch, 2017, 4 Thunderbolt 3 Ports)
– MacBook Pro (15-inch, 2017)
According to Apple’s website, these devices have officially crossed the mystical seven-year threshold, making them as useful as a chocolate teapot in Cupertina’s eyes. The company explains this as a natural lifecycle event, much like how a butterfly emerges from its cocoon, except in reverse and with more planned obsolescence.
## What Perfect Timing Looks Like
“It’s amazing,” said fictional tech analyst Dr. Seymour Coincidence. “Apple just happens to declare older MacBooks obsolete right before they’re about to announce shiny new products that cost significantly more money. It’s like they have a crystal ball, except the crystal ball is actually just a calendar.”
The September 9th “Awe Dropping” event promises to showcase the iPhone 17 lineup, new Apple Watches, and possibly new MacBooks that will make your current laptop feel as outdated as using MapQuest in 2025.
## The Art of Accidental Obsolescence
Apple’s support page cheerfully explains that obsolete products are those that stopped being distributed for sale more than seven years ago. What they don’t mention is how this “natural” lifecycle perfectly aligns with their product announcement schedule like planets during a solar eclipse.
“We absolutely did not plan this timing,” said an Apple spokesperson who definitely wasn’t winking while saying it. “It’s pure coincidence that people might feel compelled to upgrade right after we announce newer, better products. We’re as surprised as everyone else by this fortunate turn of events.”
## Customer Reactions
Local Apple user Janet Richardson expressed her amazement: “It’s incredible! Just when I was thinking my 2015 MacBook Air was still working perfectly fine, Apple helpfully informed me that it’s now obsolete. And conveniently, they’re announcing new products next week! It’s like they read my mind, or my credit card statement.”
Another customer, Mike Thompson, noted the elegant simplicity of the system: “I love how Apple makes the decision for me. No more wondering if I need a new laptop – they just tell me my old one is obsolete right before showing me what I should buy instead. It takes all the guesswork out of consumer electronics!”
## Looking Forward (To Your Wallet Getting Lighter)
As we approach the “Awe Dropping” event, one thing is certain: Apple’s timing continues to be purely coincidental, their products continue to be revolutionary, and your wallet will continue to experience what economists call “innovative lightness.”
The September 9th event will be streamed live on Apple’s website, where viewers can witness the miraculous transformation of “perfectly functional” devices into “urgent replacement necessities” in real-time.
Apple stock was up 2.3% following the obsolescence announcement, because apparently investors also appreciate good timing.
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