Breaking News: President Donald Trump has successfully defeated death itself by announcing plans to relocate Space Command headquarters to Huntsville, Alabama, disappointing thousands of social media users who spent the holiday weekend planning his funeral.
The #TrumpDead hashtag exploded across X (formerly Twitter) over the Labor Day weekend after Trump committed the apparently fatal act of not posting for approximately 24 hours. Internet sleuths immediately concluded that only death could silence the man who once live-tweeted a hurricane, leading to widespread speculation about memorial services and JD Vance’s readiness to assume presidential duties that don’t exist yet.
“I was genuinely concerned,” said Twitter user @PatriotEagle1776, who spent three days crafting the perfect “RIP Trump” tweet. “He hadn’t insulted anyone or called anything ‘fake news’ for almost a whole day. That’s basically a medical emergency.”
The death rumors reached fever pitch when Trump scheduled a livestream announcement for Monday afternoon, then showed up nearly an hour late—a delay that social media interpreted as either rigor mortis or the difficulty of livestreaming from the afterlife.
Instead of announcing his own demise, however, Trump emerged very much alive to declare that Space Command would be moving from Colorado Springs to Alabama’s “Rocket City,” creating over 30,000 jobs and helping America “defend and dominate the high frontier.”
“I thought for sure he was going to announce he was transitioning into pure energy to join the cosmic consciousness,” said conspiracy theorist Janet Mills. “Instead, he’s just moving military space stuff to a state that voted for him. Honestly, I’m a little disappointed.”
The announcement included promises of a “Golden Dome” missile defense system “the likes of which nobody’s ever seen before”—presumably because most missile defense systems aren’t designed by someone whose primary architectural experience involves golf courses and buildings with his name in giant letters. Military experts remain divided on whether “Golden” refers to the dome’s color, its cost to taxpayers, or Trump’s personal aesthetic preferences for making even national defense infrastructure look like a luxury hotel lobby.
Vice President JD Vance, who had been preparing to assume leadership responsibilities that wouldn’t actually be his to assume, expressed relief that he could return to his normal duties of whatever it is vice presidents do when their presidents aren’t actually dead.
“I was ready to step up if any ‘terrible tragedy’ happened,” Vance said in a recent interview, apparently unaware that Trump’s temporary social media silence qualified as a national emergency to his supporters.
The move to Alabama reverses a previous Biden administration decision to keep Space Command in Colorado, because apparently even cosmic defense initiatives must follow partisan political patterns. The Air Force had previously concluded that Huntsville’s Redstone Arsenal would be ideal, being home to NASA’s Marshall Space Flight Center and the Army’s Space and Missile Defense Command, but logical military considerations take a backseat to the important work of disappointing internet death-wishers.
Colorado Springs officials expressed disappointment at losing Space Command, though they admitted relief that they wouldn’t have to host whatever a “Golden Dome” defense system actually entails.
“We’re obviously sad to see Space Command go,” said Colorado Springs Mayor John Suthers. “But honestly, after this weekend, we’re just glad Trump is alive to disappoint us in person.”
Meanwhile, Alabama Governor Kay Ivey celebrated the announcement, noting that 30,000 new jobs would help the state’s economy reach heights not seen since the last time they hosted a major federal military operation that definitely wasn’t related to rockets designed by former Nazi scientists.
As of press time, the #TrumpDead hashtag had been replaced by #TrumpSpace, with users now speculating whether the Golden Dome will be actual gold leaf (budget: $47 billion), gold-colored paint (budget: $200), or just a regular dome that Trump will insist looks golden in the right light. Additional speculation centers on whether Space Force uniforms will include MAGA hats for orbital operations and if the dome will feature a giant “TRUMP” logo visible from the International Space Station.
Trump concluded his very-much-alive press conference by promising that Alabama’s Space Command would be “the most beautiful, the most powerful, the most incredible space operation in the history of space,” adding that the Golden Dome would be “so golden, so dome-like, that even aliens will be jealous of our dome technology.” He then immediately returned to Twitter to insult Colorado’s Rocky Mountains for being “overrated” and “not golden enough for serious space defense.”
The internet has since moved on to speculating about other topics, having learned absolutely nothing from this weekend’s lesson about the dangers of confusing social media silence with actual mortality.