# Nation’s Strategic Thoughts and Prayers Reserve Faces Critical Shortage Following Utah Campus Shooting
*WASHINGTON, D.C.* — The Department of Emotional Labor confirmed Wednesday evening that America’s Strategic Thoughts and Prayers Reserve has reached dangerously low levels following the assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk at Utah Valley University, prompting emergency rationing protocols across social media platforms.
“We’re looking at a severe depletion of our national thoughts and prayers stockpile,” explained Department spokesperson Jennifer Martinez. “Between the daily school shootings, workplace violence, and now political assassinations, we simply cannot replenish our reserves fast enough to meet demand.”
The Strategic Reserve, maintained by the federal government since 1999, typically holds enough thoughts and prayers to last through 15-20 major tragedies per month. However, sources indicate the stockpile has been critically strained since January, with September alone seeing 47 mass shooting events requiring emergency deployment.
“We had to choose between allocating resources to the Kirk incident or saving them for tomorrow’s inevitable elementary school shooting,” Martinez continued. “It’s an impossible choice, but that’s where we are as a nation.”
Social media platforms have implemented emergency conservation measures, with Facebook limiting users to one “thoughts and prayers” comment per tragedy, and Twitter reducing the character limit for condolence tweets to 140 characters to stretch supplies.
The Department has activated the Strategic Thoughts and Prayers Reserve’s emergency protocols, including:
– Requiring users to submit a Form 27-B application before posting condolences
– Rationing “heartbroken emoji” usage to two per user per day
– Implementing a waiting period for “senseless tragedy” declarations
– Restricting “this has to stop” comments to verified blue checkmarks only
Politicians were quick to respond to the crisis, with several immediately pivoting to discussing mental health resources they have no intention of funding and video games they’ll never regulate.
“This is a wake-up call,” said Senator Mike Patterson (R-TX), who has voted against every gun safety measure in his 12-year career. “We need to have a serious conversation about our thoughts and prayers infrastructure. Perhaps it’s time to consider privatizing the entire system.”
The tragedy has also sparked debate about automatic thoughts and prayers deployment systems, with some arguing that AI-generated condolences could help alleviate the shortage.
“We’re exploring innovative solutions,” explained tech entrepreneur Brad Morrison, whose startup PrayerBot just secured $50 million in Series A funding. “Our algorithm can generate authentic-sounding thoughts and prayers at scale, with 47% more empathy than human-generated content.”
Meanwhile, gun manufacturers reported record stock prices following the shooting, with several announcing expanded production facilities and new “Campus Safety” marketing campaigns set to launch next week.
The Kirk shooting investigation continues, with authorities still searching for the gunman who opened fire during the conservative activist’s “American Comeback Tour” event. Kirk, 31, was pronounced dead at the scene, leaving behind a wife and young children.
As the nation processes yet another act of senseless violence, the Department of Emotional Labor urged Americans to conserve their thoughts and prayers for the “really big ones” while lawmakers continue to offer everything except meaningful action.
—
**Editor’s Note:** *The Regional Dispatch recognizes that behind our satirical coverage lies a devastating reality: Charlie Kirk was a husband, father, and human being whose life was cut short by violence. While we use humor to cope with America’s epidemic of gun violence, we must state clearly and without irony: this has to end.*
*We must end gun violence in America. Political violence and division must end. Real people are dying while we offer only thoughts, prayers, and partisan blame. Our democracy and our communities deserve better than this cycle of violence and inaction.*
*The victims, their families, and our nation deserve more than satirical commentary—they deserve legislators with the courage to act.*