Microsoft’s Gaza Cloud Service Cuts Force Israeli Military to Rediscover Filing Cabinets
TEL AVIV – Following Microsoft’s decision to bar Israeli military access to cloud computing surveillance technology, defense officials report a sudden surge in demand for physical filing cabinets, manila folders, and stenographers capable of shorthand. “We’re going old school,” explained Israeli Defense Forces spokesperson Colonel Sarah Goldstein, standing next to a newly-delivered shipment of metal […]
UN General Assembly Delegates Reportedly Confused by Trump’s Climate ‘Con Job’ PowerPoint
NEW YORK – United Nations translators worked overtime Thursday attempting to render President Trump’s climate change presentation into the organization’s six official languages, with several requiring emergency stress leave. The 47-slide PowerPoint, titled “The Greatest Con Job Ever: A Multimedia Experience,” allegedly included interpretive dance, magic tricks, and a weather balloon demonstration that required evacuation […]
Asian Games Officials Struggling to Find Venues Large Enough for India’s Growing Medal Collection
HANGZHOU – Asian Games organizers face an unprecedented logistical challenge as India’s medal count continues climbing, requiring emergency procurement of additional display cases, podiums, and anthem-playing equipment. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” admitted Games Director Chen Wei-ming while standing in what used to be the parking lot, now converted into Medal Storage Zone C. […]
Investment Firm Accidentally Buys India Instead of Indian Stocks During Market Rally
MUMBAI – A Manhattan-based hedge fund made what CEO Bradford Winthrop III called “a minor clerical error” when attempting to capitalize on Thursday’s Sensex gains. Instead of purchasing ₹50 billion in Indian technology stocks, the firm’s automated trading algorithm somehow acquired the entire subcontinent. “The paperwork was confusing,” Winthrop explained from his newly-acquired palace in […]
TikTok Sale Creates New Job Category: ‘ByteDance Interpreter’
SAN FRANCISCO – As TikTok’s U.S. operations prepare for partial sale following President Trump’s approval, Silicon Valley headhunters report overwhelming demand for a new position: “ByteDance Interpreter.” These specialized consultants will allegedly translate Chinese parent company directives into American corporate-speak, ensuring seamless communication during the transition period. “We need someone who can turn ‘Maximize data […]
Local FBI Office Running Out of Post-It Notes After Comey Indictment
WASHINGTON – Following Thursday’s indictment of former FBI Director James Comey on charges of making false statements to Congress and obstruction, regional FBI offices report critically low supplies of sticky notes traditionally used for ‘reminder memos.’ Sources within the Bureau indicate that yellow 3×3 inch Post-Its bearing messages such as “Don’t lie to Congress,” “Check […]