Minneapolis Mayor Declares Third Term Will Be His Last, Promises to Really Mean It This Time
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Mayor Jacob Frey secured his third term in office Wednesday after a ranked-choice voting process that required two full rounds of tabulations to confirm what political analysts described as “the most enthusiastic display of moderate acceptance we’ve seen in years.” Frey defeated 14 challengers in a race where he was notably nobody’s […]
Duolingo Stock Plummets 18% After Millions of Users Realize 500-Day Streak Didn’t Actually Teach Them Spanish
PITTSBURGH, PA — Shares of language-learning app Duolingo plunged 18% in after-hours trading Tuesday after millions of users worldwide simultaneously realized that completing 500 consecutive days of five-minute lessons has not, in fact, made them bilingual. The mass realization occurred when user Jennifer Martinez, 34, attempted to order coffee at a café in Barcelona and […]