**Portland, OR** — Software developer Marcus Chen, 31, informed his employer Thursday morning that he was suffering from “acute financial reporting syndrome” and would need to stay home to monitor Take-Two Interactive’s quarterly earnings call for potential Grand Theft Auto 6 updates.
“I’ve been tracking the patterns,” Chen explained from his gaming setup, surrounded by three monitors displaying spreadsheets, the Take-Two investor relations page, and a Discord server with 12,000 other GTA 6 theorists. “Trailer 2 dropped before the May earnings call. The Rockstar website updated yesterday. The signs are all there.”
Chen’s 47-page analysis document, titled “TRAILER 3 PROBABILITY MATRIX: A Comprehensive Forensic Investigation,” includes sections on historical release patterns, pixel analysis of recent Rockstar social media posts, and a chapter devoted entirely to “The Significance of Corporate Fiscal Calendar Alignment.”
“I’ve color-coded the evidence by confidence level,” Chen said, gesturing to a document that resembles a conspiracy theorist’s vision board more than financial analysis. “Red means ‘confirmed pattern,’ orange is ‘strong correlation,’ yellow is ‘possibly meaningful,’ and green is ‘I’m probably reading too much into this but what if I’m not.'”
His employer, a local tech startup, received an email at 6:47 AM citing “unavoidable circumstances requiring immediate attention to publicly traded securities analysis.” The email’s subject line read: “OUT SICK – GTA 6 EMERGENCY.”
“We knew something was up when he requested PTO for ‘earnings season,'” said Chen’s manager, Rebecca Torres. “That’s not typically a thing that affects software engineers who don’t work in finance. But he seemed very serious about it.”
Chen has prepared for today’s 4:30 PM ET earnings call with the dedication of someone defending a doctoral thesis. His setup includes:
– Live stream of the earnings call on the main monitor
– Twitter feed searching “GTA 6” and “Rockstar” on the second monitor
– Discord voice chat with fellow analysts on the third monitor
– A notebook for “real-time pattern recognition”
– Three energy drinks
– A Rockstar Games hoodie he calls his “lucky analysis jacket”
“People don’t understand the methodology involved here,” Chen insisted, adjusting his headset. “When Take-Two executives say things like ‘ongoing development progress’ or ‘targeted release windows,’ you have to parse every syllable. The way they pause before answering questions? That’s data.”
His preparation extends beyond today. Chen has taken tomorrow off as well for what he’s calling “post-earnings analysis and disappointment recovery time.”
“If they announce Trailer 3, I’ll need time to watch it 400 times and dissect every frame,” he explained. “If they don’t announce anything, I’ll need time to update my probability matrices and prepare for the next earnings call in February.”
When asked if he considered this an efficient use of his limited PTO, Chen looked confused.
“This is literally the most important thing happening today,” he said, pulling up a spreadsheet showing his 11-month countdown to GTA 6’s alleged May 2026 release date. “My work will still be there tomorrow. But this earnings call? This is a once-per-quarter opportunity for new information.”
His roommate, David Park, has witnessed Chen’s escalating obsession firsthand.
“He’s been like this since May,” Park said. “After the last earnings call, he spent three days analyzing whether the CFO’s tone when discussing ‘continued strong pipeline’ was .7% more optimistic than the previous quarter. He has charts. Actual charts with trendlines.”
As of press time, Chen was practicing his note-taking speed and had set up a recording system “in case I miss something crucial while blinking.”
“I’ve allocated the sick day strategically,” Chen said, checking the time obsessively. “I’m not actually sick. I’m conducting critical research into corporate communication patterns as they relate to highly anticipated entertainment product release cycles.”
When informed that this is not what sick days are for, Chen shrugged.
“My wellness depends on knowing whether Trailer 3 is coming,” he said. “That makes it a legitimate health concern.”
At press time, Chen’s employer was considering adding “earnings call addiction” to their company’s wellness program.