**Portland, OR** — Area resident Derek Millhouse, 43, arrived at the newly opened TrumpRx dispensary at 4:47 AM Thursday morning, determined to be among the first to access the government’s new $350-per-month Ozempic program.
“I’m making my waistline great again,” Millhouse declared from his folding chair in the pharmacy parking lot, positioned behind 347 other early arrivals. “This is what patriotism looks like.”
The TrumpRx platform, announced today by the White House with the slogan “MAKE AMERICA HEALTHY AGAIN,” promises to cut Ozempic prices from $1,000 to $350 per month. The injectable weight-loss medication has become a status symbol among those who can afford the previous price point.
“I used to have to choose between my mortgage and looking good at Costco,” Millhouse explained, adjusting his MAGA hat while eating his third breakfast burrito. “Now I can do both. This is the America our founders envisioned.”
The line outside the Portland TrumpRx location stretched around the block by 6 AM, with attendees bringing lawn chairs, coolers, and in one case, a full tailgating setup complete with a portable grill.
“We’re calling it the ‘Weight Loss Inauguration,'” said Rebecca Chen, 51, who arrived at 3:15 AM and was selling artisanal kombucha to people in line for $12 per bottle. “It’s like Black Friday, but for your pancreas.”
Inside the pharmacy, staff members wearing red MAHA (Make America Healthy Again) polo shirts struggled to process the unexpected volume. Pharmacist Linda Rodriguez reported that the computer system crashed twice before 9 AM.
“The database wasn’t designed to handle this many GLP-1 prescriptions at once,” Rodriguez said, while manually writing out prescription slips. “We thought maybe 30 people would show up on day one. We got 30 people in the first 30 minutes.”
The pharmacy’s grand opening featured red-white-and-blue balloons, a DJ playing patriotic remixes, and a promotional banner reading “GREAT AMERICA, HEALTHY AMERICA, THIN AMERICA.”
“This is the free market at work,” insisted Millhouse, now five hours into his wait. “Well, technically it’s a government-negotiated pharmaceutical pricing program, but it feels like freedom.”
By noon, the pharmacy had run out of its initial stock of Ozempic and Wegovy. Staff distributed vouchers promising fulfillment “within 4-6 weeks, pending supply chain liberation.”
“I’ve been in line since dawn,” Millhouse said, reading his voucher. “But I guess I can wait another six weeks. I’ve already waited 43 years to make my metabolism great again.”
When asked if he’d consider alternative methods like diet and exercise during the wait, Millhouse looked confused.
“But this is *American* weight loss,” he said. “It comes with a receipt and a hashtag.”
At press time, Millhouse was photographing his voucher for social media with the caption: “Just got my golden ticket to the thin life! #MAHA #TrumpRx #MakeMyPantsLooseAgain”