SANTA CLARA, CA – In a groundbreaking move that industry analysts are calling “innovation at its finest,” semiconductor giant Nvidia announced yesterday that it has successfully pioneered a new business model based entirely on seeking federal approval before conducting any profitable activities.
The strategy emerged after President Trump’s unusual trade arrangements required the company to obtain government permission for chip exports, leading executives to realize they had been operating under the outdated assumption that private companies should make independent business decisions.
“We’ve been thinking about this all wrong,” explained Chief Financial Officer Maria Gonzalez during a press conference held in what appeared to be a government waiting room. “Why waste time on research and development when you can just ask politicians what products you’re allowed to sell?”
The company has reportedly restructured its entire operations around the new model, replacing its engineering teams with a Department of Federal Relations that employs 3,000 former lobbyists and one person whose job is to refresh government websites looking for new regulations.
“It’s actually quite efficient,” noted industry analyst Rebecca Morrison. “Instead of spending billions on cutting-edge chip design, they can just spend millions on campaign contributions and achieve the same market position.”
The approach has proven so successful that other tech companies are following suit. Meta announced plans to require government approval before releasing any new features, while Google has submitted a formal request to continue existing.
Early investor response has been overwhelmingly positive, with stock prices rising 15% after the announcement. “Finally, a tech company that understands the modern economy,” said portfolio manager James Chen. “Why innovate when you can regulate?”
The company plans to expand the model internationally, with subsidiaries already filing paperwork to ask various world governments whether they’re permitted to be profitable in their respective jurisdictions.