WASHINGTON, D.C. – Capitol Hill was thrown into chaos this week when Rep. Patricia Thornfield (D-Vermont) stunned colleagues by implementing a radical new approach to legislation: actually reading proposed bills in their entirety before casting her vote.
The unprecedented strategy came to light during Tuesday’s debate on the “American Excellence and Prosperity Enhancement Act,” when Thornfield shocked the House floor by referencing specific page numbers, subsection details, and potential long-term consequences of the proposed legislation.
“I was completely unprepared,” admitted Rep. Chuck Sterling (R-Texas), who had planned to deliver his standard three-minute speech about “supporting hardworking American families.” “She started asking questions about implementation timelines and regulatory oversight mechanisms. I didn’t even know those were words.”
Thornfield’s disruptive approach has reportedly triggered panic among congressional leadership from both parties, who worry that her “dangerous precedent” could spread to other representatives.
“If members of Congress start reading bills before voting on them, it could fundamentally undermine our entire legislative process,” warned House Majority Leader Bradley Soundbite during an emergency press conference. “Our system depends on carefully crafted talking points and strategic ignorance. Patricia’s actions threaten the very foundation of American governance.”
The crisis deepened when Thornfield revealed that she had been reading legislation for “several months,” going so far as to research the potential impacts of proposed laws on her constituents.
“I actually called experts, reviewed similar legislation from other states, and studied the fiscal projections,” Thornfield explained to horrified colleagues. “I even read the footnotes. Some of them were quite illuminating.”
Congressional support staff are reportedly overwhelmed by the implications of Thornfield’s approach. Senior aide Kevin Bureaucrat noted that his office was “completely unprepared” for a representative who wanted detailed briefings rather than bullet-pointed summaries.
“She asked me to explain the difference between the House and Senate versions of a bill,” Bureaucrat revealed, still visibly shaken. “I’ve been working on the Hill for twelve years, but I mostly just schedule fundraisers and handle Twitter complaints. I had to actually research things.”
The situation has prompted emergency bipartisan cooperation as both parties work to contain what political scientists are calling “a catastrophic outbreak of informed governance.”
“We’re exploring several options,” revealed anonymous Democratic leadership sources. “We’re considering whether Patricia can be assigned to committees that only handle symbolic resolutions, or perhaps legislation that consists entirely of bill titles with no actual text.”
Republican strategists are equally concerned. “If this spreads, our entire platform of opposing things we haven’t read could be compromised,” warned conservative think tank Heritage Tomorrow. “How can we passionately argue against legislation if we actually understand what it does?”
The crisis has extended beyond Congress, with cable news networks reportedly struggling to book guests for their political programs.
“Our format depends on having people with strong opinions about bills they know nothing about,” explained a CNN producer who requested anonymity. “If representatives start actually reading legislation, they might develop nuanced positions that can’t be reduced to soundbites. It would destroy the entire news cycle.”
At press time, congressional leadership from both parties were drafting emergency legislation to limit individual representatives to reading no more than three pages of any proposed bill, though sources indicate they are unlikely to read their own proposal before voting on it.