MUMBAI – A Manhattan-based hedge fund made what CEO Bradford Winthrop III called “a minor clerical error” when attempting to capitalize on Thursday’s Sensex gains. Instead of purchasing ₹50 billion in Indian technology stocks, the firm’s automated trading algorithm somehow acquired the entire subcontinent.
“The paperwork was confusing,” Winthrop explained from his newly-acquired palace in New Delhi. “But we’re confident this diversifies our portfolio significantly.”
The mix-up occurred during heavy trading as the Sensex and Nifty indices showed strong gains driven by technology sector performance. Winthrop Capital’s AI trading system, nicknamed “Warren Buffet 3000,” apparently interpreted “buy Indian tech” as “buy India, tech included.”
The transaction included:
- 1.4 billion citizens (considered “human capital assets”)
- All major cities, including the complete Bollywood film industry
- The entire cricket team (valued separately as “sports entertainment division”)
- Approximately 2,000 languages and dialects (“intellectual property portfolio”)
- Sacred cows (listed under “alternative livestock investments”)
Prime Minister Modi reportedly took the news in stride, issuing a statement: “We welcome our new American overlords and look forward to quarterly earnings reports.”
The Reserve Bank of India’s planned digital currency pilot has been temporarily suspended while lawyers determine whether Winthrop Capital now owns the central bank as well.
Financial analysts remain divided on the acquisition’s wisdom. Goldman Sachs upgraded Winthrop Capital to “Strong Buy,” noting that “owning an entire democracy with nuclear capabilities shows impressive long-term thinking.”
Winthrop Capital’s stock price initially plummeted before surging 400% when investors realized the firm now controlled the world’s largest producer of generic pharmaceuticals.
The CEO concluded, “Sure, we’re now responsible for monsoon seasons and border disputes with Pakistan, but the curry alone makes this a sound investment.”
Reliance Industries stock remained unchanged, as they were technically part of the package deal.