MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Mayor Jacob Frey secured his third term in office Wednesday after a ranked-choice voting process that required two full rounds of tabulations to confirm what political analysts described as “the most enthusiastic display of moderate acceptance we’ve seen in years.”
Frey defeated 14 challengers in a race where he was notably nobody’s overwhelming first choice but somehow everyone’s acceptable backup plan, a political strategy experts are calling “the human embodiment of ‘I guess that’s fine.'”
“This is a tremendous victory for everyone who looked at the ballot and thought, ‘Well, I know that guy’s name,'” Frey announced to a crowd of supporters whose energy could best be described as “present.” “For my third and final term, I promise to continue being the candidate people eventually settle on.”
The ranked-choice voting system, which allows voters to rank candidates by preference, proved especially beneficial for Frey, whose political career has thrived on being perpetually ranked somewhere between “my actual first choice” and “I guess not that other person.”
State Senator Omar Fateh, who challenged Frey from the progressive wing, congratulated the mayor while noting that being selected after multiple rounds of elimination “really captures the spirit of Minneapolis politics.”
“We ran a campaign based on transformative change and bold vision,” Fateh said. “Jacob ran a campaign based on people recognizing his name from yard signs. In a ranked-choice system, familiarity apparently ranks pretty high.”
Political scientist Dr. Margaret Olson of the University of Minnesota described Frey’s victory as “a masterclass in strategic adequacy.”
“Frey has perfected the art of being just acceptable enough that when voters’ preferred candidates are eliminated, they shrug and go, ‘Yeah, okay, him again,'” Dr. Olson explained. “It’s not exactly a mandate for change, but it’s technically democracy.”
During his victory speech, Frey made the unexpected announcement that this third term would be his last, a promise that political observers noted he should definitely be held to, probably.
“I want to be clear: this is my final term,” Frey declared. “Unless, of course, circumstances change, or there’s overwhelming demand, or I change my mind, or it’s a Tuesday. But other than those scenarios, this is definitely it.”
Minneapolis voters expressed the measured enthusiasm that has become Frey’s trademark, with many residents responding to news of his reelection with phrases like “oh, okay,” “that makes sense,” and “wait, we had an election?”
The mayor’s third-term agenda includes continuing to do the things he’s been doing, possibly addressing some of the issues people have been asking about, and maintaining his position as the city’s most consistently medium-temperature political figure.
When asked what he hoped to accomplish in his final term, Frey responded with characteristic specificity: “I plan to govern in a way that makes some people somewhat satisfied while leaving others moderately disappointed, which has been my brand since day one.”
The 14 other candidates in the race have all returned to their previous activities, with most reporting that the campaign trail gave them valuable name recognition among the dozen people who read past the first three names on the ballot.
Frey will be inaugurated for his third term in January, where he is expected to deliver a speech that voters will rank somewhere between “inspirational” and “I guess I wasn’t really listening.”