The Regional Dispatch: From Our Region to Yours

Court Tells Important Man His Lawsuit Has No Merit, Just Like It Would Anyone Else

A federal judge dismissed the suit with prejudice. Legal observers noted this is a thing courts are permitted to do.

By Harlan Whitcomb · Oct 31, 2026

Broadway Announces 2026 Season Consisting Entirely of Things You Have Already Seen, Reassuringly

Producers unveil a slate of revivals, remounts, and returns, promising theatergoers the comfort of knowing exactly how everything ends, including the standing ovation, which has also been revived.

By June Albrecht · Oct 30, 2026

Sports

NFL Introduces Mandatory Post-Touchdown Press Conference So Players Can Immediately Explain What the Celebration Did Not Mean

Under the new rule, every scoring player must report directly to a podium before the extra point to clarify, under oath, that the dance was not a…

Business

DoorDash to Acquire Instacart in $17 Billion Deal to Finally Let One App Fail to Deliver Both Your Dinner and Your Groceries

Analysts hail the grocery-and-restaurant delivery merger as a landmark consolidation that will combine two separate sets of service fees, delivery…

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Tech

Court Tells Important Man His Lawsuit Has No Merit, Just Like It Would Anyone Else

Broadway Announces 2026 Season Consisting Entirely of Things You Have Already Seen, Reassuringly

NFL Introduces Mandatory Post-Touchdown Press Conference So Players Can Immediately Explain What the Celebration Did Not Mean

DoorDash to Acquire Instacart in $17 Billion Deal to Finally Let One App Fail to Deliver Both Your Dinner and Your Groceries

Also in Today's Paper

Study Finding Two-Thirds of Teens Use AI Chatbots Commissioned by Adults Who Built the Chatbots

Foreign Correspondent Files Breaking European News Without Specifying Which News, or Which Part of Europe

Alaska Ballot Now Requires Voters to Specify Which Dan Sullivan They Mean

Nelson Peltz Offers $1.4 Billion to Take Wendy's Private, Which Is a Lot to Pay for a Table Where No One Can See You Eat

Politics

Inflation Is Running at Half the Rate It Was, and the Country Is Exactly as Furious as Before

White House Confirms On-Site Cheesecake Factory, Weighs McDonald's With Real Gold Arches

Trump Closes In On 80-Year Polling Record, Our Model Calls It The Most Exciting Race To The Bottom Since Truman

Trump Closes Public Golf Course for 15 Months to Make It More Accessible to Tournaments

World

Serbian Strongman Concedes Election to a List of Students, Who Will Govern Between Classes

Researchers Travel Five Days to Remote Pacific Island to Confirm Amelia Earhart's Plane Is Trees

China and North Korea Open New Bridge After a 12-Year Pause to Confirm They Were Still Friends

Harry and Meghan Visit Nottingham as Private Citizens, With an Itinerary Published to the Minute

Business

My Wife Has 80,000 Dollars Saved and I Have 2.2 Million. Am I Wrong to Be, as I Put It, Shocked

Elon Musk Pledges One SpaceX Share to Every American Child, Who Are Advised Not to Spend It Yet

KFC Ends Four-Decade Relationship With Pepsi, Says It Needs Someone Who Pairs Better With Chicken

Shrinkflation Reaches Video Game Controllers as Xbox Unveils One That Fits in Your Pocket

Tech

Microsoft Clarifies That 60,000 Employees Are Being Freed, Not Fired

r/opensource Bans AI, Non-English Speakers, and, in a Later Edit, the Concept of Asking Questions

Philadelphia Arrests Woman for Standing in Front of Delivery Robot, Restoring Robot's Right to Not Be Looked At

Tesla Unveils Flying Roadster That Goes From 0 to 60 in Under a Second and From Deposit to Delivery in About 11 Years

Sports

Packers Rip Referees After Penalties, Citing the Well-Known Rule That Contact Should Be Legal When It Is Them Doing It

World Series Features Two Teams That Have Never Won It, Leaving Nation Unsure Who It Is Supposed To Be Tired Of

College Football Playoff Plans 24-Team Field to Make the Season More Meaningful, Starting by Canceling the Conference Championships

Metropolitan Metros Unveil AI Coaching System That Exclusively Generates Motivational Clichés

Culture

A Movie About an Actor Made of Clay Is No. 1 in America, and Our Critic Has Questions

Bookmakers Name Jack Lowden Favorite To Play James Bond, A Role Our Critic Has Already Reviewed

Chameleon Rescued From Georgia Tree Insists It Was Not Stuck, Was Simply Blending In

Editor's Note: This Institution Was Not Absent for Three Days, It Was Insufficiently Present

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