White House Confirms On-Site Cheesecake Factory, Weighs McDonald's With Real Gold Arches

Washington, DC — The White House confirmed this weekend that it will add a full-service Cheesecake Factory location to the executive complex, a decision an administration official described as “long in the works” and “absolutely not” a reaction to a line in a weekend campaign speech.

The announcement came less than 48 hours after former President Barack Obama, speaking at a rally in Cleveland, compared the current state of the building’s décor to “Saddam Hussein opening a Cheesecake Factory.” Within a day, planning documents for an actual Cheesecake Factory — 22,000 square feet, located between the newly completed ballroom and the South Lawn helipad — had been submitted for review.

“The President had been thinking about a Cheesecake Factory for a very long time, long before anyone else said the words ‘Cheesecake Factory,’” the official said. “Any suggestion that he heard a comment and immediately wanted one is completely false. He wanted one first. He’s always wanted one. This has nothing to do with Obama, who nobody is thinking about.”

Pressed on the timing, the official added: “The President believes the White House should have the best cheesecake. The most cheesecake. Possibly the only cheesecake. We’re looking at over 30 flavors.”

The Cheesecake Factory installation is expected to complement what aides are internally calling “the golden work” — a sweeping aesthetic overhaul that has already seen the Rose Garden paved over, the South Lawn fitted with a private helipad, and gold leaf applied to what one contractor estimated as “most surfaces that will hold it.”

The golden work

According to two people familiar with the plans, the administration is now weighing a second addition to complete the golden work: an on-site McDonald’s, with arches the President has specified must be constructed from “real gold, not the fake stuff, the real stuff, you can check.”

“He was very clear that the arches other McDonald’s have are not real gold,” one person said. “He feels that’s misleading. He wants the only honest arches in America.”

A spokesperson for McDonald’s declined to confirm whether the chain’s existing arches are, in fact, gold, saying only that the company “values all of our locations equally.”

Preservation groups raised objections, with one calling the combined food-court proposal “the single largest change to the executive residence since it was built.” The administration dismissed the concerns, noting that the ballroom alone is “already bigger than the rest of the White House, so really, what’s a Cheesecake Factory on top of that.”

Asked whether the two restaurants would be open to the public, the official paused. “We’re studying it,” the official said. “The President likes the idea of people coming through, seeing the gold, having a slice. He thinks it’s very presidential. He may also want a drive-thru. For the helicopter.”

Obama’s office did not respond to a request for comment, though a person close to the former President said he was “aware” of the developments and “had no further notes.”

Construction is tentatively scheduled to begin “immediately, or sooner.” The administration has not said what will be removed to make room, though one official, when asked, gestured vaguely toward the East Wing.